I’ve been constructing and deconstructing this in my head for a while now, since I started being called racist, divisive, and radicalized. In 2017 just as in 2016 I lost friends and had a number of my friends both current and former express concern. It seems folks want to put me into the categories of brainwashed, traumatized, divisive, or playing victim so this is my response to that:
I would like to start this off by saying I don’t judge anyone for their choices I only judge myself for the acceptance of and the anti-blackness I personally have displayed and harboured. I can recall as a child being told some crazy stories but the main events that stick out for me let’s start on the most personal with regards to my looks “stay in the shade” “oh you get soo dark” “look at your hair it looks like a Black girls” “your hair is nappy” “why are your lips so big” then there was the time I talked about my friend Tatiana in first grade and my father said you can have your friends at school but I don’t want to hear about your friend Tatiana at home. I recall my grandma saying never say the n word because it means ignorant and you don’t call anyone ignorant. I also remember being told you aren’t better than anyone but Black people are different from us you don’t date or procreate. These are the seeds of anti-blackness that were implanted in me at home. I remember the day I asked my grandmother “Gramma do you remember when they turned fire hoses on Black people is that true?” and her reply was “They did the same thing to us here and worse.” This is when I felt the need to take up causes only for brown people and only brown people like me. I never really fit in anywhere and I spent a lot of time reading as a kid at one of the hardest times in my adolescent years when the whole norm of my life for the last six years was on its way out my English teacher shared the poem Mother to Son by Langston Hughes the words of this poem spoke to me back then as they still do to this day when my life feels like its been too much and I just really want to say F^XK it all I remember that “…I’se been a climbin on, And reachin’ landin’s, And Turnin’ corners….” when I don’t want to have purpose I remember the words of Frank Withrow and he reminds me “To Be Somebody Should Be Your Goal”. The markets outside of the family still nurtured those anti-black seeds and when the roots got strong my disdain got stronger and went beyond being anti-black if it were ok to make blanket statements against one group then blanket statements could be made for other groups and so began my support of supremacy. I didn’t have to dawn a swastika or shout white power (I’m not white passing how could I right?) I made some pretty shitty statements of supremacy in the past you know how many people called me out on that? THREE my VERY white passing uncle’s were the only ones to call me out on my bullshit and of course, at first I thought they were full of it and unpatriotic then a fourth white man called me out on patriotism and the difference between patriotism and blind allegiance. So what changed what clicked it all back into place for me? There were lots of little things but what got me to put a stop to my supremacy thinking was the amount of translating I was doing at the preschool my children attended and then speaking to mothers with children in the local public k-8 and the lack of representation they felt at the site my older child was also attending. It was the struggle of my brown people that brought me back, it was mothers wanting what was best for their children and not being able to communicate that brought me back to this divisive person I am. Then Michael Brown died and I was at the gym watching the protest in Ferguson and I heard an older Black man feed into the narrative being spewed by the media and our President. I started attending more school meetings and seeing needs and some being met but more needing to be done. Alton Sterling died in front of my eyes and the biggest blow the next day I watched Philando Castille gasp his last breaths. I enrolled in my local community college intending ONLY on obtaining an AA so that my offspring cannot argue that their parents did not seek higher education so why should they. From there my eyes were opened to EVERY fallacy I had ever accepted. The World Music class I took over the summer was the final boost on this brainwashing and traumatization some of my friends speak of I came to the realization that the African diaspora worked with Indigenous people time and time again only to have dominant society shut them down. I support the Black community because society has done them very wrong because I too know what it is to work your ass off and never be good enough and only have more obstacles to face while putting in that work. You now have a rough outline of what brought me to this current state. You can call it whatever you want in my heart it feels right. If you can’t accept this if you have a problem with who I have “become” I tell you now its perfectly okay to not be a part of my life anymore and there will be no love lost between us. I always want what is best for you, but don’t disrespect me, if you don’t agree with me that is fine let us discuss but don’t put me in my place because that doesn’t work on me anymore there is no argument you can make that will make me complacent in supremacy, supremacy is the illness that got us to this place and if we fail to treat it we will never get better.
I saw this on my social media feed today and I smiled because my partner in this crazy thing called life just a few months thanked me one day for this very thing. He turned to me and he said: “Thank you for loving me for me” I replied “well what am I supposed to love you for?” We both have had our share of failed relationships. He told me “you never once told me I needed to change this I needed to do more.” In our relationship we have this understanding if we are unhappy we do this crazy thing called talking about it. This wasn’t always an easy thing and in the beginning I did a lot more venting to my diary aka social media page because if we tried to talk it turned into a fight I couldn’t write it out to him because of his past relationships he said he hated that she would do that so it wasn’t an option it may have stifled my creativity some because writing had always been an emotional outlet for me and talking was hard I wouldn’t always say the right thing when you write you can edit when you speak not so much. His problem was he came from a home where every one just spoke over one another until the other party went silent the victor was basically he who was louder. I “lost” many an argument because I didn’t see the point in trying to scream my point across when it wouldn’t be heard. I eventually learned to pick my battles and wait until cooler heads were ready to speak like adults it took a while to learn those lessons but I did and when I did he was more accepting of what I had to say and I didn’t have to scream it out. I never tried to change him because I fell in love with who he was every imperfection even the things that infuriated me I love. The main reason I never tried to change him though was because I hated I still hate when people tell me to be more like X I will always say I am me I am not X if you want X you should have X here and not me. If I don’t want to be X who am I to try to force anyone else to be X? We are individuals we are our own people and if we all stopped trying to be X the world would be a happier place I think. My partner has made me a better person these last nine years together and I hope that I have done the same for him. If you are trying to change someone I suggest you go find X because no matter how hard you try to make them be X they will never be X. Do you know why? Its because no two people are the same. No one should have to change improve ALWAYS if we stop improving ourselves then we are not reaching our full potential but change I say NEVER. Have the courage to be YOU and be loving enough to accept the person you say you care about for who they are. If you can’t let them go now don’t force them into your idea of what they should be there will only be bitterness and resentment there as time goes on.
My son is an amazing person. He is kind he is loving he is creative and he is wired differently. I know it could be much worse I know that there are parents who deal with far larger obstacles than I do. This year was his first year of “real” school he started kindergarten. A little background on me I was the over achiever I was the bookworm I liked being the teacher’s pet. When award season came in school I made it my mission to collect them all like whatever cool thing the kids were collecting in those days. The award I never understood Exceptional Effort I always thought I know that kid isn’t doing great why are they up here? My son showed me why those kids were up there. He started the school year not wanting to write because it was too hard. Every trimester he earned that Exceptional Effort Award. He worked his butt off to earn those. Every trimester I was expecting to hear he was so far behind there was no way he would catch up and every trimester I was surprised to hear that he was performing below what was expected of all children but not so far behind that he was looking at being held behind. We are still working on how to spell our name properly and how to write it properly but let me tell you no one draws you a picture like my boy the details are amazing. He will tell you a story and he will make it interesting and give you details you wouldn’t expect to hear from a child his age. I often get choked up when it come to him because I think of the obstacles along the way and I feel so ill equipped to help him over come them. This last week though he kind of blew my mind as we were on an adventure the other morning he decided to play law enforcement on his sibling who were riding too far ahead and then came the siren most people imitate a police siren its a woo woo woo kind of sound not my boy his siren says BEETLE BEETLE BEETLE and hearing that BEETLE it really hit me I always say he is wire differently; He just showed me that day that he sees and hears this world differently from others. Guess what there is not a darn thing wrong with that how boring would this world be if we all saw everything the same way? How many inventions and discoveries would we have missed out on if people did not see the world differently. That BEETLE just told me that everything is going to be okay that just because it may take a little more work to get the results and it may take presenting the materials in a different way it doesn’t mean that the mission is impossible. My little guy is wonderful he is perfect and he is teaching this life long learner a thing or two along the way. I love him so much for that last part and I can only hope that I don’t fail him along the way and I must always remember to fight and advocate for him because if I don’t no one else will.
I spent my younger years angry at a lot of people. Angry at my father for his lack of parenting and more. Angry at my biological mother for not being around. Angry at my step mother because I was told to be. The only person I wasn’t angry with was probably my grandmother. Now that I am older I am thankful for these people failing me. If they hadn’t I wouldn’t have grown into the person I am today. I don’t mean it to be an insult and they all came through in their own ways at different times when I needed them and for that I will always be grateful but I didn’t have the traditional “normal” family and that’s okay. I had to go through those things so that I could stand before you the person I am today those scrapes bumps bruises. The defeat it was all necessary to bring me here to make the person I am today. If it weren’t for my upbringing I wouldn’t have been able to do for others even when I really couldn’t do for myself. I had to walk a mile in someones shoes to get the whole judge not lesson. I appreciate that I am not proud of that leg of the journey but I do not regret it either. I am so thankful that I have learned what it is to forgive. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing not for those who have wronged you but for YOU once you can truly forgive you can move on and let go of the hurt. Once you let it go you move on and you grow and its a wonderful thing. I am so looking forward to being an encouraging force in other peoples lives. I want to be a positive influence I want someone to look back and think to themselves man I am thankful for that chick because she was there when I needed someone to be there. Not because I want recognition or accolades but because I know what it is like to be let down I know what it is like to go without I know what it is like to want an escape and have none. I know what it is like to NEED a kind word and how great it feels when you get that kindness shown to you when you least expect it. I want everyone to do their part to be a rainbow for someone else its not about material or financial support its about being kind because its what is necessary especially in today’s world where there are trolls and miserable people who just want to tear you down to make themselves feel better. I have my moments of weakness I have my moments when I let the miserable people get to me and they dull my shine for a tick but then I snap out of it and I try that much harder to brighten someones day because gosh darn it it feels so good to do. So my advice to you reading this right now be like Elsa and just LET IT GO!!!! Maybe not tomorrow but once you are healed enough and know that holding onto that anger does not serve you in anyway except for bad. Life passes us by way to fast so why let those negative things impact you another day?
10 seconds is a long freaking time I don’t see how the Lady Owl does it I need more practice
So one of my favorite bloggers delivered her baby and I’ve been meaning to do a post inspired by her blog of fashion on my own blog I picked today not knowing that she welcomed a new person into the world hours earlier you can find her awesome blog here http://www.eccentricowl.com/. Anyway I received this amazing cowl in my Buffy Swap package from Halloween/Dia De Los Muertos it was a gift and I absolutely adore it the colors are beautiful and remind me of plants and water and all that is good in this world. It was crafted for me by PrrlGirl and I love the feel of it and how nicely it covers my scar from my thyroid surgery. The lovely hat in these photos was crafted by one very talented lady that I also have the honor and privilege of calling my friend I like to think we are pretty darn close she is the talent behind https://www.facebook.com/mandies.krafty.kreations and my personal crafty inspiration. This hat is brown with flecks of white and reminds me of decadent chocolate and keeps me warm like a nice tall mug of hot cocoa I absolutely adore it one of my two favorite hats. I adore these pieces of wearable art. Yes crochet, knitting, sewing, spinning yarn these are all art forms and they are art that does not have to sit on your wall and wait to be seen by your guests they are art you can take out in public and show off to the world and say a talented person created this unique piece especially for me isn’t it great quality work. So as artist they deserve to be paid for their amazing work and precious time. I hope that you will check out the talent behind every link I shared because they are all worth your time and I hope you fall in love with what they do just as I have. Until next time Bauble Lovers.
and because it wouldn’t be owl inspired without this:
(sweater and jeans clothing swap $0 cowl gift $0 hat from https://www.facebook.com/mandies.krafty.kreations $25
Is it really going on 2 years since I started this blog? I know it seems like less with how little I post here. Its not because I don’t want to its just there is so much going on in my life. My business is growing YAY!! I’ve lost some friends made some new ones expanded my super mom abilities and have made some valuable connections. I went from a homeschooling mom to all 3 of my babies being in school by their choice. From renter to home owner. As you see the blog has a new header isn’t that little lady gorgeous. Don’t you just love her snood?!?!?!! I am not talented behind the camera so I am very thankful to the talented photographer at Four Smiles Photos. You can find them here: https://www.facebook.com/FourSmilesPhotos. My goal is to post more this year and share more of my work as more. As usual this blog will be about my business for the most part but don’t think I’ll stop my random blurbs. I used to think I would grow up to be a writer that dream didn’t come true but I still like to write. I hope that your 2013 was a memorable one even when it comes to the bitter parts of that year. I hope your 2014 is of to a fantastic start and that you will continue to follow my blog. Until I write again my Bauble lovers which will be more it is after all my goal. I’ll leave you all with another shot of Serena and my snood
Bell E’s Baubles
So I’ve had this blog up and running for a while now where I post random writings it all started out for my crafting its turned into a pinterest/journal. I have followed and spoken with some cool people through blogging. My favorite person has to be the one and only Eccentric Owl her cool thrift store finds her dope shoes and her all around sense of feminine style. I enjoy and look forward to every photo I see, I had been wanting to design something for her for a while but didn’t want to come off as a stalker weirdo. Well she shared some news there is a little egg in her nest. Enter my chance to make to make her something. I just hooked up the teeniest cutest little owl hat. The best part the pattern came free from another Blog imagine that 😀 Repeat Crafter Me
Ok so let me say that like some adults I have issues with my childhood. That being said I thought this would be a good thing to post about not because I want to air out my dirty laundry but because I really think that I have grown as a person and have moved on and writing it down will help me to remember that I have indeed let it go. I have let my father <as in the person I share DNA with> know how I feel about him and nothing will change those feelings but I was thinking about my own childhood while dealing with my own children and you know I truly believe in my heart of hearts that while he is far from perfect he tried his best and you know I could be a much worse person than I am today so I choose to learn from his mistakes as a parent I vow to not let history repeat itself in my own parenting adventures and I hope for my own children to not follow in my foot steps but to exceed my expectations. The man who raised two children on his own had some help along the way but he was never given the tools to be a stellar parent he made do with what he had around him and he had a hand in raising two amazing people and no one can take that from him not even me. If it wasn’t for this man I would not be the independent free thinker who blogs before you today. If it wasn’t for him bringing powerful strong amazing women into my life I wouldn’t have the balls of steel I have today if it wasn’t for him showing me everything NOT to do I would have made much worse decisions in life. In some ways I repeated history and let the cycle continue but there are so many other cycles I have broken. Why because I didn’t want to be like him or I wanted to prove him wrong so I did. How great is that he raised a daughter who has no problem throwing a middle finger in your face with a big smile plastered on her face. I am a forgiving loving passionate person. I learned that falling of the horse doesn’t mean you don’t hop your ass right back up there. I learned that the most entertaining stories don’t come from a book but an imaginative mind. I learned to never judge a book by its cover. I learned that the face people give you is not always their face. My mother gave me my biggest life lesson in my 20’s but this man I share DNA with gave me so many more lessons and really shaped who I am the good and the bad. He tried as best he could. He taught me that a single parent doesn’t mean you let your new conquests in and out of your children’s lives. He taught me loud music is bad for little ears and it is better to walk in the heat with your kids sake then it is to take a ride in a car with too much bass XP. He taught me that a parent can be a jungle gym too. There are other lessons that were learned that I will be forever thankful for. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger my childhood did not kill me but if for damn sure made me a better and stronger person.
My page recently hit 500 likes and we have been having giveaways all weekend head over by liking on FB using the tab towards the bottom or click here http://www.facebook.com/bellesbaubles there is another awesome giveaway going on over at The Love Bees http://thelovebees.com/ they are introducing the LOVE BOX enter for a chance to win a one month subscription check it out and enter today